Self Image

Gym Rat

I watched as the numbers on the treadmill refused to budge. How could a minute feel so much like an hour?

This was just proof of what I had known for a while now. And that was that I had become less and less fit.

When I first moved to university I remember being a lot slimmer. I also remember thinking to myself that being in charge of my own diet would surely be a good thing and meant that I was certain to maintain healthy eating and working out.

Without parents forcing you to do the dishes or eat exactly what they ate, it was sure to be a success- right?

Even as I type that I can tell you that there is half a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food left in my freezer and that I had a pizza for dinner.

I think I have a problem to be quite frank. The problem is this- I am addicted to sugar. I have been for as long as I can remember. However, when you’re living at home it’s a lot easier for these things to be picked up on. But here, in student accommodation it goes right under the radar.

On top of this I am desperately trying to get fit. I feel disgusting. I don’t feel comfortable when I go out in the clothes I wear and am constantly cringing at my body in pictures taken on a night out.

The days now that the summer has commenced and I am in Nottingham for work consist of me waking up late and then lacking in motivation to actually do anything worthwhile.

I remember feeling the backs of my eyes start to burn when me, my boyfriend and my other two friends went on a bike ride to the real estate agents.

It wasn’t because of my hay fever playing up which is what I played it off as but rather because I found myself struggling to keep up with them.

Now, I have never been particularly overweight or a big girl. Instead, my weight has fluctuated as well as my diet. And I’ll be the first to admit that the healthiest I ever was when I was  a vegetarian.

I even quite enjoy working out! I spent an hour at the gym this afternoon doing a 5k run on the treadmill which I am aiming to do everyday. And yet the weight still doesn’t appear to be shifting.

Things are made a bit more complicated when your boyfriend looks as though he was sculpted from marble. I just want to look and feel good but at the moment I am stuck in this vicious circle of working out, getting depressed, eating badly and then drinking.

The point of this little story isn’t to make you feel bad for me and my unhealthy lifestyle. When I started this new blog I told myself I was going to be honest to my readers and that is exactly what I’m doing. So, this isn’t me accepting how I currently feel about myself but rather letting you know that I am determined to get myself out of this slump and power through.